Sandpapering Shit

I just opened the door to let a friend in when the baby starts screaming upstairs. "He's supposed to be napping.  I'll be right back. Make yourself at home."  And as I walk up the stairs I know that it's going to be bad.  I can smell the poop all the way downstairs as I start my ascent.  I finally make it up the stairs and open his bedroom door and the smell that wafts out is like getting punched in the stomach.  Something I learned early on in these situations; the faster you deal with it the sooner you get to breath.  I get him on the table and stripped down.  I open up his diaper and grab the wipes... Wait!  Where are the wipes?! Why are they empty?

Plan B! Try and wipe as much as you can off with the remaining diaper. Genius!  Oh no! You just smeared more poop down his legs trying to get the poop off his butt. Think, think, think.... Why is the new, unopened box of wipes all the way downstairs in the kitchen. What can I reach? Clothes? receiving blankets? Burp rags?  Toilet paper?  Landon's flush-able wipes!  Now all I have to do is make it to the bathroom and back.  But I can't put the baby on the floor... he's covered in poop.  And I can't leave him on the changing table unattended, because he could will roll off and land on his head.  So I tuck his head and shoulders onto my elbow and brace his body to me while simultaneously holding one thigh up and pointing him butt out.  Avoiding, as best I can, getting any poop on my clothes and hopefully avoid being the target of any stray pee or poopsplosions about to happen.  All the while yelling, "Don't pee! Don't pee!  Don't pee!" as I run to the bathroom.  Feeling pretty good about myself I make my way back to Finn's room.  Oh no! I misgauged the space! Smack! I just bonked Finn's head on the door in my rush to not be pooped on.  Now he's screaming on top of everything else.

I finally get us back to the changing table (mostly in one piece).  Lay the kiddo down and open the wipes.  This is where I realized baby wipes and flush-able toddler wipes are not the same thing.  For anyone not familiar with flush-able wipes, they are not as soft as baby wipes.  In fact, they are more comparable to sand paper than to gentle wipes for your baby's bum.  They are meant for durability not sensitivity.  Sorry F, but this is the part where mommy has to sandpaper shit off your poor baby ass.  Finally clean! Now a fresh diaper and a clean outfit later.  You survived!  Back to bed for you little man and back to check on our friend who has no idea what she just missed.